Am I so horrible?

First of all, I will tell you a secret. I’m a little excited and when I get excited I can’t shut up. So keep the next secret for me please. If not, both you and I will get in trouble. You for spreading it, and I for knowing it, because I didn’t have to know either, you know?
My uncle wants to ask his girlfriend to be his wife for the new year. Very original, really. If she says no, as much as I began to appreciate her even more than my mother in these 2 or 3 years that they have been together, I’m going to hold a little grudge against her.
For me, my mother, her brother, one of my father’s brothers, the one who is going to propose to his girlfriend, my … let’s call her aunt, there isn’t much left xd, grandfather and grandmother were always the most important of the family. They are the ones who in case something bad happens would find out first, or at least one of them.
Yes, even if we don’t want to admit it, we all have favorite people, people we would choose before any human. In friendships, in the family, at school, at work, in any aspect in short.
Although my grandmother is super religious, conservative and closed-minded, my grandfather a joker and sarcastic party animal (like me except for the partying and his jokes are funny xd), my uncles who were always like me when debating, and yes, sometimes we debate for hours, my aunt with whom I can talk about literally anything and finally my mother is very prejudiced but more open-minded than my grandmother but a little more closed than my aunt’s (they were educated a bit old-fashioned I don’t judge them) they know I love them. I could still talk to my mother, but sometimes you feel more comfortable talking about certain topics with other people, no matter how insignificant the topics may be.
Now, in relation to my blood closest family to say it in one way, I was always closer to my mother. My father was always a distant, perfectionist, observant and calculating guy.
And I always criticize him, to a greater or lesser extent for that. But I don’t understand myself because excluding being distant, I am like my father in other respects.
I am not one of the people who cry in front of people. When I was younger I did, but times change, and living in a family of people who are generally a little more distant, the exception being me, my future aunt and my grandmother, I got used to hiding from the world in one way or another. my negative emotions.
It was June, or July, I don’t remember well. And it occurred to me to say that I don’t want to have children in the future. My aunt asked me, curious, obviously, why. And at that moment something inside me was activated, and after about 5 or 6 years in which I did not show anyone my most vulnerable self, something inside me was activated and told me let’s cry, of course.
But in the end it felt good, because I was able to tell someone who is part of my family, that I feel that I have no purpose in the family, and that if it were up to me, taking out the realistic side that I have Although it is very little, if I would leave tomorrow and if it were not for the affection, love and appreciation that they say they have for me, they wouldn’t feel my absence.
Nothing changed. Or well yes, in my interior yes a little. Because maybe for you a topic or thing you hear is not so important but for the person who tells you it is.
I think she even told my mother what her daughter has, although I’m not so sure.
It is not important so, maybe.
For her (my aunt) maybe what I don’t want to have children in the future was just something random that occurred to me at the time. In fact, even I had forgotten, but today I started thinking about random things. Yes, me with a fairly important and decisive exam in history on Tuesday, and wasting time thinking about things that…shh, please don’t be my brain.
And today I started to think about it.
Seeing my brother who is 4 years old, and living all this time that he has of existence, I realized that living with a baby almost 24/7, even if it isn’t mine, although I’m not with him all the time, it’s relatively…I can’t find the right word.
Why?
I am a calm, lazy being, who appreciates silence.
We know very well that that doesn’t go with a baby, right?
In addition, I have very little patience, and you manage to get me irrited Let’s say very easily.
I adore children, I adore to see how they learn, how they evolve.
But I am not as energetic and patient as I should be.
In fact, it would be easier for me to take care of a child who is over, Let’s say 6 years old because at that age they begin to reason and understand things easier.
Although I have as a neighbor a boy of about 8, 9 or 10 years old named Luca and he has the mental state of a child of 3.
Luca, if you ever read this, it was not with bad intention bro, only that you are very unbearable, currently. Forgive me and don’t throw me fries like your 6th birthday please. I promise not to steal your cake if you stay calm this time.
Let’s go back to the main topic.
A child is a great responsibility. And I am very irresponsible.
Sleep is sacred to me, and we know that a baby offers you whatever is less than peaceful sleep.
In the future, if I become financially stable, the first thing I would think of, at least seeing it from the perspective I have now, lying comfortably in bed with my headphones on and listening to old music, I think first of all to travel and learn about at least a bit of the world, if I have with whom. I’m not attracted to traveling alone.
I am one of the people who seems very quiet at first, but when I see that you are a good and trustworthy person, you cannot shut me up. So if by chance in life you and I are going to travel, don’t expect to keep me quiet if you don’t give me food.
Perhaps, in the future, I’ll change my mind. Maybe in the future you will see me with a baby and you will not be able to avoid thinking, what did you do?
Maybe what I need is a bit of an emotional break from living with a baby.
Maybe when the baby is yours, everything changes.
Maybe my thinking will change.
But it is highly unlikely.
But if you ever see me as a mother, remind me to be careful not to turn my baby into a Luca 2.
I can’t wait to be a bad influence when my brother will be a teenager.
You don’t know what demon waits you.
I hope you don’t realize the reason why certain people often call your sister Demonia.
No 😛